Friday, February 6, 2015

Standing up straight has stirred up old insecurities.

I've been having painful shoulder problems.  Enough so that it is affecting my exercise routine.  So I finally went to the doctor.  Who sent me to a physical therapist.  

Who told me that I need to stand up straight.  

Learning to stand up straight after 40+ years of slouching is a painful proposition.  And it got me wondering why I started to slouch in the first place. 

Oh, yeah.  Breasts.  

I was the first to develop breasts in my 6th grade class.  That kind of attention was horrifying to a shy wallflower.  

So I started to slouch to hide them. 

And have continued to slouch.  I wanted to be respected for my intellect. In my mind that meant denying I have breasts.  

At my age, I don't particularly care what people think about my looks.  

Or thought I didn't care.  Until I looked at myself in the mirror as I was checking my posture.  

Breasts, boobs, whatever you want to call them.  Sticking out farther than I am comfortable with. 

A lot of the old insecurities came rushing back.  Fear that I would be cat-called again.  Dread that I wouldn't be looked in the eye.  That I would be considered a dumb bimbo.  

Which is stupid.  Because the people I work with, my friends, all know I am smart. 

I realized that the behavior of unknown "others" isn't my problem.  My fear and reaction is my problem.  And I can control that. 

And I need to stand up straight. 

So I am going to be a grown-up and stand up straight.  

Because I am not a 12-year-old wallflower any more.  

I'm a grown-up. 

3 comments :

  1. Ooh, I have the same issue! It's not because of boobs, but because of childhood abuse. Friends call it my "please don't hit me"-stance. It's amazing how a simple act like standing up straight can have such a huge psychological effect to make you feel so exposed!
    Did the doctor give you any exercises to do? I find that after all those years of slouching, my back is just too week to support me standing up straight 100% of the time...

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    1. Lots of exercises. I've only started with a few, since it's been painful. My body is objecting to being corrected. Mostly it's pinching my shoulder blades together, and sucking my stomach in.

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    2. The other thing that's been helping is posting notes all over the house reminding me to stand up straight. I really do straighten up when I see them.

      It gets easier after time, but it's a slow process.

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